Saturday, March 12, 2011


I Want A Newborn so bad!  You may think I am crazy.  Wes wants another baby too.  We had this plan to have two children close together and then wait a few we did with Kolton and Micah (They are 12 1/2 months apart).  I really, really wanted to do that again.  I know a lot of people who space every two years, but that seems a lot harder to me and also too planned.  So far, we have just gone by "the feeling" and it's served us well.

(This is a picture of baby Joshie holding baby Micah.)
From what I am learning and hearing, it could be years before I get to even think about getting pregnant again.  Possibly sooner, and possibly longer (there is a lot of infertility problems correlated with all this stuff, and I have noticed "that time of the month" is becoming more like "that time of the last few months" which doesn't really lend to the "get pregnant the very second we want to" luck that we've had in the past.).  Also, miscarriages are pretty commonplace with out-of-control thyroid issues, which is also scary.  I am trying not to worry about all the "baby stuff" until it's really time to again, but my heart just aches for another tiny little baby.  I wouldn't even mind morning sickness right now (crazy, I know).

I understand that all things happen for a reason, and that this is all part of a much bigger plan.  But right now, this very minute, while I am watching my 8-month-old attempt to stand, I just feel sad, like it is all passing by too quickly and I don't have the sure knowledge that another little one will join us soon, or even ever.  I'm probably a little pessimistic about it, but those of you who know my mom would understand.

I have faith that one day (hopefully sooner rather than later, although right now I have no feeling of when it will be), I will get to hold another little angel.  And for right now, I am content with my sweet Jonah (except for the fact that he is growing up way too fast).  My hands are definitely full with three little boys, and I have a feeling I am about to get a lot busier.  I do feel extremely blessed, every single day, to have the three little miracles I get to call mine.  I know many people who had to go through a lot more than I did to have children, and I am so thankful that I was able to have my babies when I did, and that all went well.  Being a mommy is such a dream come true for me, and I pinch myself every morning when my boys come climbing into bed with me.

I am trying really hard to focus on gratitude right now, and to find things to add to my life that bring me joy and hopefully help to fill that void for the time being until the day that I get to be a mommy again.  So for now, I will be content with snuggling my sister's little boy that will be born this spring, and my best girlfriend's baby that will be born this summer.  At least I will be surrounded by all that newborn goodness that I can soak in while I am waiting for my turn.  :) 

I love the way newborns smell, and the way they just seem to melt into your body when you hold them. I love snuggling them right on my chest, watching them sleep.  I love changing those tiny, wrinkly bums and playing with the soft newborn hair.  I love the tiny little squeaks that are the first cries for food, and the way they always seem to find ways to get where they need to be to nurse.  I love the way you can just feel the legions of angels around, and the magical, special spirit that is in your home for the first few weeks of having this new life in your home. 

I love swaddling their tiny little bodies, putting tiny little booties on tiny little feet.  I love the way that I have always felt and known that the special little person I am holding was sent here to me, handpicked from my Heavenly Father.  I am always in awe of that, and I wonder what kinds of things we will learn and teach one another.  It's so amazing to me to think that we may have been close friends before.

I am so grateful for the three little angels I get to call my own.  They bring so much joy and fullness to my life, and every day I am awe of the amazing little people they are.  They are a reminder to me of the miracle of life, of love, and of family.  I love being a mommy more than almost anything in the world (second only to being a wife, but that's another post for another day).  It is such an amazing treasure and adventure.  I am glad I get to be the mother of my three sweet, busy boys to tide me over until the day I get to be a mother of four.  Hopefully that day will come soon, but either way, right now I am content to be patient and know that this stage in my life is "just a phase" and it too will one day pass.

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