With a Full Heart

The past few months have been very challenging ones. Well, probably the past year or so has been. Don't get me wrong, we feel very blessed and wouldn't change a thing that has happened, but it's been hard.

Between the poor health I've experienced the past several years, and our lives being life, and just continually changing, I have slowly shifted into survival mode. I had gotten to the point that my life was just completely out of control. Seriously.

And then I got pregnant, which was totally an act of faith for me because although Wes and I want lots of kids and I would probably welcome a new baby into our home at any given time, I just wondered how in the world we were going to pull it off. We already had such crazy lives with both of us building our own little "side hustles" and Wes working long hours with an hour-long commute, making him gone most of the boys' waking hours. We had already cut out of our lives nearly everything that didn't feel absolutely necessary, and even some of the necessary, because there was just no room for extras in our lives. So, how was I supposed to factor in pregnancy, recovery, and a new baby into all the chaos? Was it really the right thing to do?

But we both thought about it often, until we finally decided to pray about it. I think we waited to pray for a bit because deep down, we knew what the answer would be. We prayed and nearly immediately felt like it was right to add another sweet little spirit to our family. Then, I was reading one of Linda Eyre's books, "A Joyful Mother of Children" and she talked about a similar experience she was having....that it felt time for a baby, but they were very busy (her husband was a Mission President in London at the time, and she had several small children already), and she wasn't sure if she could do it, or wanted to at that time. Her and her husband discussed it, made a list of pros and cons, and took it to the Lord, and received a very strong conformation that it was right. She then went on to talk a little about that child, and how much they needed him in their family, and how grateful she was to have followed the promptings of the spirit. Anyway, like I always feel when I read their books, I could totally relate to this experience, and it gave me the courage I needed to just "go with it".

Fast forward to now, and here we are, almost 4 months pregnant, 15 weeks today. I look back and hardly remember much about the last few months, except right before Halloween, everyone getting a nasty flu bug that lasted almost three weeks. At different times. I was still having my turn with the flu when much to my surprise, morning sickness hit. Both times before, I have felt a little nausea and definitely the fatigue of pregnancy, and the sensitive stomach, but I could function, and the second time around I never even threw up. Not the case this time. I've lost count, and I've felt so horribly sick that at times I have worried something was wrong. Just because it's been so incredibly different this time around. But all seems to be well, and we feel very blessed for all the things that this little challenge has taught us.

Being sick all through Christmas time was no fun at all. But now that I am beginning to feel better (although I still throw up daily) it seems to have been very fleeting. We had to simplify our lives even more. I had to surrender to morning sickness. I've spent so much time in bed that Wes finally got me a more comfortable bed, in hopes that I would sleep a little better and be a little more comfortable when I'm not feeling well (what a guy! it's really helped!) I quit watching our money, I quit cooking and cleaning and the poor dogs were so bored and stinky and Tucker's hair grew so long that he almost couldn't see before I got around to cutting the poor little guy's hair. We haven't been on too many dates. Poor Wes has still never had a birthday party (I'll need to cook up something really special since he's been such a good sport about it). I quit agility, I quit knitting, I couldn't shop or drive much, it's been tough.

But let me tell you, the blessing and miracles we have experienced through all this craziness has far outweighed the challenges. I have felt so much strength from the Lord. I have felt closer to Him than ever before. I have had to totally rely on him for everything. It had made our marriage stronger, and the boys have become much closer and learned a lot about "helping" and have really adapted each day to what I can do for them. They are so amazing, and my love and awe for them has grown immensely. They are really amazing people! Another blessing that came back into my life was music. That was one of things that has kind of fallen by the wayside as we've struggled to get our bearings. But one day, I just needed a lift so bad that I went down to the basement and brought up my keyboard, my guitar and flute, all my music, and I have played and played and played. Boy oh boy has that brought an amazing spirit into our home! I had forgotten how music can reach you like nothing else. I feel like that alone has made everything worth it. I draw so much strength from it. And everyone else seems to also. I will never again let music fall by the wayside. In our family, it seems to be as important as scriptures, prayer, and food. Another way to nourish the soul. :) What a special gift to have been given at a time when we needed it so much.

The other thing I have learned is to just surrender. I tend to throw myself into a million things at once....I LOVE to be busy, and feel like I am contributing and improving every day. But boy howdy I had to learn to slow down even more than I ever thought possible, and I've had experiences sweeter than ever before, and so much time to think about things....what's important, what I need, what will improve our family life, how to make the best of and thrive in our current situation....so much! My heart is just overflowing with gratitude and inspiration. I have learned so much in so little time it seems. Now I feel so much excitement and enthusiasm for what life is bringing, and the direction we are headed. We have just been showered with so many blessings, and I feel so strongly that it's because there is so much that we need to be doing, and the Lord is making it possible for us. I hope with all I am that I don't let Him down. We will see what the next year unfolds for us, already there are so many changes and challenges and ADVENTURES! We can't wait! I have so many goals and ambitions and dreams for this next year, as well as many unknowns. I am excited to see it all unfold!