my eyes

I know every girl has times in her life when she feels pretty, and times when she doesn't.

Well, there has always been one part of me, that no matter how ugly or un-pretty I feel, I have always been proud of and grateful for.

My eyes.

If you've ever seen my dad, you know that they could be bigger and bluer, but I'm totally content with what I got.

When I was called "chipmunk" or "squirrel" or "buck teeth" at school before I got braces, I would think to myself that I least I had my blue eyes.  Being called "four eyes" when I got glasses never bothered me for the same reason.

When I unknowingly gained 46 pounds with Kolton and then took 4 1/2 years to lose it all (yes, partly due to bad choices, partly due to subsequent pregnancies, and partly due to medical reasons), I could tell myself that I least I had my eyes so I wouldn't loathe myself to the point of never leaving my house (yes I really was that humiliated, shamed, and embarrassed by how I looked....I know now that was dumb, but it didn't feel that way at the time).

When I was diagnosed with Graves' Disease, I wanted to make sure I picked the safest, most effective treatment.  Mainly because if I'm going to do something about it, I want it to work.

But there is also another reason I've been so careful.

There is a part of Graves' called Thyroid Eye Disease, or TED.  It is scary.  You can have a whole host of problems from double vision to eyes that bug out.  I have a friend that went through it and it took her 2 years and 6 surgeries to fix her eyes.

Well, depending on the treatment, sometimes they can speed up or cause TED.  Whether or not it's permanent, it's a "luck of the draw" type thing.  I definitely have wanted to avoid that.

I've had a few concerns bout this the past couple months.  One being that I randomly lost some vision in my left eye for awhile.  The opthamologist did find a "foreign object" in my eye that may have been the culprit.  I've also had several episodes of severe pain.  All were in my left eye until last night I was up with pain in my right eye and and terrible headache (I never normally get headaches). 

I mentioned these things to my endo, but she dismissed them.

Today I got up and went in the bathroom to fix Jonah's bottle.  When I looked in the mirror, something was wrong with my eyes.

I can't figure out of one of my eyelids is drooping, or if the other is receding, but either way it looks awful.  And of course has sparked a whole other host of fears and concerns.  And another doctor's appointment. (sigh)

I am hoping and praying as hard as I can that this will go away when my hormones are back in balance.  Hopefully my opthamologist agrees.