mommy meltdown

I feel like a broken record sometimes.

Don't all moms feel that way?  I feel like I am telling everyone around me the same things, over and over, all day, every day.  "Make your bed."  "Don't run/jump/yell/wrestle/fight in the house."  "Use walking feet/inside voice."  All the same mantras many mommies use on a day-to-day basis.

Don't get me wrong.  I love my kids and I feel like most of the time, they are good little minders and lots of fun to have around.  They are my joy.

It's a different kind of broken record. One that says over and over and over, "I am stressed, overwhelmed, exhausted."  "I need a break."  "I need help."  "I feel like I am shouldering this alone and I'm scared."  And so on an so forth.  I feel like people don't understand this kind of thing unless they go through it themselves.  I get people all the time asking me to do things for them or with them that normally would be fine, but right now it all just feels like too much, and I'm having trouble saying "no"  to any of it. 

And we all know that doing to much leads to....meltdowns.  Yup.  I had one of those today, complete with crying and falling apart and coming all unglued.  The difference is right now that I am so exhausted and overwhelmed and lonely that I don't really feel all that better.  I just feel down.

I feel like there are too many things going on at once, but there's really not much to cut out.  I've got a huge pile of medical bills - again - that need sorting through and calling and arguing with insurance companies that the blood test was necessary or the doctor did order that procedure and blah blah blah.  Don't we all hate medical bills and all that surrounds them?  (The Pollyanna in me wants to say, "Yes, but I am lucky to have insurance and doctors and everything I need to get well."  And I am.)  They are just so time-sensitive and time-consuming - not to mention money-consuming. 

I have some other immediate things that I need to take care of that can only be done by me that I won't go into right now. Not to mention that our house will be listed any day, and so packing and looking for a new place to live should really be on that list also, in addition to being ready to leave when someone comes by to look at it (hopefully one person will fall in love right?).

Poor Jonah is cutting teeth like crazy right now.  He got one last Friday, and he's got at lease three more that I can see are going to break through any minute.  One part of his gum is just black (a blood blister under his gum) and causing lots of pain, so I have a very fussy, sad, in pain baby right now that is not sleeping through the night and not napping very well.

I am back to dealing with insomnia and gasping at night (and at any naps) again, but I'm not worried, because I know it's stress.  I'm just so frustrated because I feel so buried that I'm not even sure how to find a way out.  For the first time in my life, I feel like giving up.

But I won't.  I'm still hanging in there.  I just feel a little lost. 

Wes told me today that in church they were talking about pain and why we feel pain.  He said someone said that when he's going through something hard, he tells himself that life is like a roller coaster, and right now he's just on a down part.  I've heard this many times before, but coming from my husband made me feel so validated and comforted.  I realized in that moment how much of the burden I choose to shoulder alone, and how much I worry about what Wes is thinking and feeling.  I worry so much about resentment and frustration building as we are trying so hard to save money and move forward and instead we're stuck right here and are spending every extra penny on medical needs.  When I told him that, he told me to just be grateful that we have the money to shoulder the burden, instead of feeling bad that we're not saving.  That also gave me a huge lift, because I know how concerned he's been about us saving and every time I open a medical bill I cringe thinking about how he'll worry and be frustrated about where we are.  It felt good knowing that he truly understood and felt that same about that part.  I also realized that he had also chosen recently to just give this all to God.  He knows we're doing everything we can, He knows this is harder than anything we've done before, He knows this is WAY more than we ever knew we could handle, He knows how much we want to move on from all this pain and frustration.  Our job is to just have faith and know that the Lord will guide us and if we follow him in faith, then everything will work out even better than we ever imagined.

I can't even imagine how good I will feel when this is over.  I have met despair and loneliness and desperation that I never thought I would.  It has been and continues to be extremely hard and painful.  But amidst the pain, I have found a peace and comfort that has kept me going.  I have developed a whole new level of compassion and empathy and gratitude and faith.  Our family has grown stronger and more bonded than ever before. 

Someday (I have a feeling it's going to be a long time from now), I will get the joy and privilege of holding our 4th tiny, sweet baby in my arms.  I know that is going to feel good since we've already been longing for our next little bundle for quite awhile.  But now that we're going to have to wait for so long (I'm not supposed to get pregnant until my adrenals are completely recovered), I am going to LOVE every minute of the process from finding out we are expecting again to all the morning sickness and pregnancy symptoms to holding that sweet little  baby in my arms for the very first time....meeting a little person fresh from heaven.  I can't even imagine the joy I will feel at that moment.  That is definitely something worth fighting for.

Despite all the tough stuff, I truly do feel so much gratitude.  I seriously don't know what I would do without having my faith in my life.  And I thank my lucky stars that my sweet husband chose me and continues to do so, despite it all.  He is such an incredible example of patience and understanding and selfless service.  Somehow, throughout all this mess, he still loves me.  And along those lines, I also feel so incredible blessed for my best friend, Celest.  Aside from my husband, she has been there for me through so much.  She has had so much empathy and lent so much support that it astounds me.  I don't even know how a human being can be so capable of caring so much for others.  She is one of the greatest examples in my life of a Christlike love for others, and for that I am so grateful.  She lifts me up right when I need it, and between her and my sweet Weston, I have been helped along so much.  And of course my family and friends and the support they've lent me has been incredible too. Also, I'm grateful for the privilege and opportunity to live in a country with amazing medical care, and in a time when it is so advanced and there are so many options.  My heart really does just spill over with gratitude every time I stop to think about it.  I am so blessed.

But right now, I just need a break.  I need some time to rest.  I need time to think.  I need time to pray, and time to listen for answers.  I need time to reflect and relax and to sort it all out.  I need to figure out a way to fit this illness thing into my life until my body is ready to become whole again.  And I'm afraid if I don't figure out a way to do that, then I'm just going to get sicker.

But I also think that if I can find a way to do these things, then life will at least get a little better.  I will at least have collected my thoughts and feel like I have a plan laid out that I can follow.  I really like to follow and be in sync with the rhythms and routines of life.  I definitely love adventure and excitement, but right now, I would just love to have a boring old routine.  A soft place to land while it feels like there is so much chaos and stress.  I want to feel like I am at least on the right track.

Sorry for this depressing post.  I just really want to get my feelings out and also have a record of them.  I have learned many times throughout my life that it pays just as much to document the hard things in life and what I do to get through them.  And I know tomorrow is a new day.  Man alive, am I ever ready for it!

I will leave this post with some words of inspiration from one of my favorite country songs:

Everybody wants an easy ride
On the merry-go-round that we call life
Take a drive on cruise control
Then you wake to find out it's a winding road
I had my dreams in view
When the money ran out and the engine blew
Hung my tears out to dry
Then my dreams fell out of that clear blue sky
And I, I was walkin' the clouds
Feelin' so safe and sound
Then somethin' else knocks me down

Oh, That's the way it is
You gotta roll with the punches
That's the way it goes
You gotta bend when the wind blows
You live you learn
You crash and burn
It's hit or miss
And that's the way it is

Yeah they say your soul is growin'
But sometimes I feel like throwin' somethin'

Well, Oh, That's the way it is
You gotta roll with the punches
That's the way it goes
You gotta bend when the wind blows
Well, That's the way it is
You gotta roll with the punches
That's the way it goes
You gotta bend when the wind blows
You live you learn
You crash and burn
It's hit or miss
And that's the way it is